In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
