I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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