am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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