She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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