I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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