As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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