I wannas sexs uuuuu
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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