i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
