So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
