I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize