i can't believe i had my finger in that
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
