Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
