You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
