dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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