There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
