Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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