All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
