WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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