My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
