I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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