Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
