I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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