There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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