and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
