somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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