you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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