Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
