god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
