haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
