i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
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I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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