Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
