overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
zippers are such a cool invention
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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