I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
There are leaves in my underwear?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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