i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
