i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
