i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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