I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I am one with the molecules
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