Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
