I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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