I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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