I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
