You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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