So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
