I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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