Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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