dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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