how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
