You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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