I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
