Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
