Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
