All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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