woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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