how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
