Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
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One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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