I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
