We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Randomize
