I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
