I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
